Please Rewind: The weirdly fun world of terrible 80s music videos

So we’re all watching all-the-things lately as we deal with being cooped up at home during a pandemic. One channel that is a current favourite in our house is Stingray Retro, especially the Please Rewind program. The channel touts itself as “your source to relive the golden age of music videos.”

But was it the golden age?

Obviously it was the early age of music videos, but golden? Yes, for sure there are the classics, like Thriller and Like a Prayer and Rhythm Nation and Take on Me and Walk This Way, but there are sooooo many duds.

And many of them had the most random of concepts. I Ran was just tin foil and bad hair, Rock Me Tonight doubled-down on the pink satin sheets, and Journey took air guitar down to its lowest low. All terrible, terrible videos. But the biggest dud I’ve seen so far is Depeche Mode’s Everything Counts.

When I was a teen, Depeche Mode seemed like the coolest, avant-garde band. But after watching this video, I don’t know what my teenage-self was thinking…

Ok, now if you watched that video you might be thinking “What the heck did I just witness?” Well, here’s an interesting snippet about it from Wikipedia:

The music video for “Everything Counts” was directed by Clive Richardson. The band returned to Richardson after not being satisfied with the work of Julien Temple for the A Broken Frame singles. According to Alan Wilder, “It was felt that after the Julien Temple years, we needed to harden up not only our sound but also our image.”

Yep, this video was to help ‘harden up’ their image?! Umm, ok.

Now, is this the worst video of all time? Probably not, Rebecca Black’s Friday still exists. But is it the one that has left me the most perplexed? Definitely. Enough to write about it because I can’t stop thinking about it. 😂

Let’s start with the instruments. Most 80s videos showcase plenty of guitar riffs and drum solos, but not Depeche Mode. No way, they’re new wave! Instead, they brought the heat with a xylophone and a super-long woodwind instrument. Straight outta band camp!

And if you’re trying to ‘harden your image,’ it makes perfect sense to bop and sing close together like an a cappella group.

And don’t forget to add awkward dancing. Dave Gahan’s incredible turtle-neck-shake move alone will make you swoon. Also, you could tell me that is Bill Gates circa 1982 and I would believe it.

Now, let’s combine the two.

Ok, now cut to a blending of woodwind instruments with a dance fight of some sort.

C’mon, what grainy crap is this?! Nothing is clear here, just like the video’s concept.

Also, this video shares a bunch of random footage. It reminds me of Ed Wood using irrelevant stock footage in his weird films. Remember, Everything Counts!

So, Depeche Mode would like to offer you a dude chomping on a strawberry.

And a couple of dudes eating and grooving while a lady walks by with a corn dog. Mmmm, corn dogs. 🌭

And this waitress who is taking tips, possibly?

And this lady suspiciously blowing up God knows what.

Let’s end this hodge-podge of a mess with a bang! Because it’s now beach day! ⛱️

All in all it’s just another brick in the wall…of video shame.

Anyways, I hope you can see why I couldn’t stop thinking about this mess of a video.

Now, with all that said, please give the Stingray Retro channel a shot, you will not be disappointed. I mean, sometimes you will be, but in the best way possible. 😎